We interact with others all the time and they are a source of joy, wonder, trade, warmth, sex, cooperation and compassion. They can also be damn frustrating and a source of conflict, rancor, intimidation and blame. Here I want to single out one interaction strategy that really gets my goat. It is a strategy to win and not lose out to others in the interaction game. I refer to the following three sentences as exemplars. “You are not listening to me.” “You don’t listen to me.” “You never listen to me.” These sentences are devastating and destructive and invite no answer or repost. I know. Are you listening? I thought so.
Let me attempt to deconstruct these sentences. I might not have been listening closely enough but what I hear are assertions about the (non) success of someone’s argument, (non) satisfaction and respect for the verbal and other responses of the counterpart, place saving and time saving gambits and maybe a whole lot more.
After I showed the draft of this essay to my wife she added another meaning that had escaped me – indeed I had not listened! I listened to her and this is it. Sentences of the kind I describe can be a plea to end a discussion or argument, to move on, to accept that one or both interactants will not change their mind – at least not now. Give me some space. Stop destroying my logic, arguments and position already. Leave me some place to go. I see (I hear). So hearing what has not been said is the key.
So now I understand (a little more) why some people get so angry with me and I get so angry in return because I did listen and responded precisely to what you said. But what you said is not what you said and what I heard was what I wanted to hear. Get those damn words out of here; wasn’t Lewis Carol correct, they mean what I want them to mean. No, this is not so. Not what I want them to mean (the hearer) but what you want them to mean to me, if I really understood. Phew! Are you still with me on this? Have I heard right? Am I gendered challenged in this endeavor?
Sometimes the interaction game here is a game of predictive conversation. One jumps ahead, anticipates and predicts the ending of a sentence or argument and offer up a response too early. The counterpart wants their day in court (moment of contribution) and this should not be curtailed. It also restricts the time for formulating responses. We know that predictive text is not always correct and wise people tell us that forecasting anything is very hard, especially if you want to predict the future – even the end of a sentence.
Hey you argue, what about me? Spouses and parents and kids do not listen, really, and they need to be told so. This is the viewpoint of the listenee not the listener.
How do we know whether someone has really listened to us? Obviously this is when they agree with us, sympathise with us and obey us (including moving on). Otherwise they have some kind of deficiency. After all, if I can understand me and why I am right why can’t they?
Such is life. I want to know who uses these strategies most and why. Is there a gender difference? Is there an age difference? How does it depend on the mix of people involved or the topic?
But the big, big question is: how to respond? A simple answer is to listen better From what I said above (did you hear what I said and did not?) it’s tricky ground here (hear). You hear the words but you have to hear the meaning or you get it wrong, it seems.
If you take the words as meaning you may be in a whole lot of trouble. Disputing the logic and arguments of the other can escalate. Things can also get quite personal, which I guess is to be seen as less successful. How about counterposing the same argument, i.e. you don’t listen to me. Is this helpful and constructive? I mean I mean as much as they mean and I meaning should be heard too. Shouldn’t it?
Other strategies I have considered with varying degrees of success are: Lol (not recommended unless, as I once did, you think the second l stands for love); change the topic; silence (hinting at listening intently); jumping up and down on the spot and screaming abuse at everyone for the conspiracy that conspires against me and then running away to hurt them. Trouble with the last one is you have to go back to get your jacket and Iphone and sleep somewhere!
I am keen to hear about others’ experience and their advice.
Ian Wilkinson,
April 11, 2011
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